Communism

The Workers Committee of the United Peoples Party (UPP) orders; everyone must be equally miserable. Those who fail to conform will find extra helpings of misery in a labour camp. By the way, labour camps do not exist and anyone who challenges this will be sent to one.

Socialism

We, the brothers and sisters, say; The rich have the least amount of misery and the poor have the most misery. We support the most miserable in their oppression by the least miserable and demand some of it; that is not being miserable, we think, or is it the other way round. Anyway, we want MORE!

Liberalism

The government has decided that research shows; If you are miserable that’s fine, but we need to find out why. All the others, must support those less miserable with a few coffee mornings, knitting marathons and bring and buy sales. Ten pounds could buy beer, mobile phone minutes and cigarettes for a miserable family for a day.

Conservatism

The government would like you to know that; Your money that you see us spending would not have dragged you out of your misery. Everyone knows that you can’t buy happiness, but persevere with those high hopes and tell us when you have dragged yourself out of your misery. Until then, you are on your own and get used to it.

Fascism

The Propaganda Ministry have produced this happy music and colour movie about how you are not miserable, which you must watch, or you will be detained for questioning and possible deportation to an undisclosed destination, with your family, friends and companion animals.

Anarchy

We the people say; Whatever. Either way it doesn’t matter because we are all going to die!