The scene is the office of the Prime Minister, before the re-election of the Conservative Party without the Liberals. Mr. Cameroon looks up from a newspaper he is reading as Sir Comfrey walks in.

What is it Comfrey? Come on out with it man! You are standing there like a cat having trouble swallowing a canary.

It’s the proof copy of the “Conservative Party Manifesto” Mr. Cameroon – and may I say what a particularly smart tie you are wearing.

OK, enough of the platitudes. It usually means you are hiding something…let me see.

(Cameroon grabs the manifesto while Sir Comfrey peers out of house of commons window)

You’ve missed the ‘leave Europe or not’ referendum promise out Comfrey! Blantantly missing! For Goodness sake why?

(discrete cough) MI5

MI5?

Yes, you see there has, unfortunately, been a memory stick found in a London taxi cab and handed into the police which contains…amongst daily menus for the Commons restaurant, roast potatoes, brussel sprouts that so of thing…a conversation between…

Who?

You and me.

You and me? You mean this room is bugged?

Yes, by MI5 – just in case it is also bugged by the Russians. I see by you blank expression that further explanation…

Too right it is!

Is necessary. (coughs into hand) That all ministerial conversations are now recorded, so that when the Russians should listen in, we can not only deny everything, but also prove what we said.

I see. Clever.

And there is one conversation on that stick in particular that you may remember;- where you are saying that you wish to have a referendum on whether the UK should leave the European Union. You give reasons for this ‘charade’, in your words, as wanting – quote ‘lots and lots of votes from that idiot UKIP party to help the conservatives win the forthcoming election‘ and ‘squeezing my Euro sceptics back into the sceptic tank they came from.’

That sounds more of less the gist of what I said. So what’s wrong with that? We are not likely to loose a referendum are we? I mean the voting public are not as stupid as the dissenters in my own party…are they?

Yes Prime Minister, they probably are since, they did, if you remember, vote for them.

You are going to make a suggestion Comfrey. I have known you long enough. Come on…

Well, it’s mainly about the Irish question.

The Irish question? I haven’t heard those words for a very long time. I thought Northern Ireland was quiet now. I mean, since the Bank Holiday Agreement.

Good Friday Agreement Prime Minister.

Yes, yes that one.

Well it seems that certain long serving members of the department…

You mean yourself.

…long standing and loyal members of the civil service, yes, believe that the Irish question needs to be addressed before any referendum takes place.

Good Lord, Why?

It’s the rather delicate matter of the border between the Republic and Northern Ireland. Smugglers being caught in the spot lights from watch towers positioned every hundred yards along the whole length of the border. And simple citizens crossing to visit family or go shopping. Lost children – pets. They just won’t have a barbed wire border again. Just won’t.

So we need to solve the Northern Ireland thing once and for all?

Precisely.

I see. You are suggesting we Brexit from Northern Ireland instead of Europe? Won’t that be expensive?

The British Treasury Department pays the Treasury of Northern Ireland assembly fourteen billion pounds a year. That is roughly £270 million a week.

Good heavens. Really?

Health, prisons, police, schools, roads…the usually money pits.

Yes. I see. And if we ceded Northern Ireland to the Irish, made a sort of United Irish Republic, we could stop wasting all that money. Clever Comfrey, very, very clever but surely the hard liner loyalists will never tolerate it?

Unless there is an independence referendum in Northern Ireland Prime Minister. It could be accompanied a publicity campaign along the lines of ‘become part of a strong vibrant economy within the prosperous European Union’ – meaning Eire, not us. As you know we don’t attract European money because we are rich whereas the Irish Republic is not. A lot loyalists in Northern Ireland would be happy to be a minority in a United Ireland now; now it very likely to vote in favour of abortions on demand and a host of other, shall we say, un-Catholic, liberal values. Plus they will get the pot holes outside their houses mended. A matter particularly close to their hearts.

I think Comfrey, you are onto a very strong pitch here. I can see us being able to place all the ‘British’ interventions in Ireland in the history box and embracing moving forward into a new prosperity for…Britain rather than that awful mouthful, ‘The United Kingdom of Britain and Northern Ireland.’

Precisely.

And Stormont, currently in recession due to irreconcilable differences and inability to form a government…is a headache we want to get rid of…

…we can push it all south so to speak.

…prior to any referendum for Britain to leave Europe.

Which British people would never vote for since they are saving 270 million a week  -which we can promise to the NHS and Cat and Dog charities.

I say, do you think the Russians are listening?

I sincerely hope they have written down every word. Homeless cats and dogs in Russia are having a very bad time.

Jolly good. Let’s do it then. No referendum until the Irish Issue Stew, is in the pot. The Euro sceptics in the conservative party will have to shut up for good and I get to be Prime Minister for a good few more terms. Long summer holidays, beach houses…

What an enormous privilege that would be for me Prime Minister.

Comfrey, ring downstairs for some tea and fresh currant buns. I’m feeling an unexpected wave of patriotism all of a sudden.