(acknowledging the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band who used the same title)

A news team is set up in the front garden of the Prime Minister’s private home; a mid-terraced house in Richmond.

Well Prime Minister, this is a surprise. I don’t think any of us were expecting a garden party quite so soon, if at all!

Ye of little faith…

Well, you hadn’t really involved any of us in what you were thinking or negotiating or if you were drilling for details…

I don’t give away my plans…

Not even amongst friends?

I called a general election and I told the cabinet what I had decided at Chequers but both turned out to be a mistakes. I should have remained silent.

Like a stealth submarine?

Yes, exactly like that.

But can’t you see how worrying that can be? Would you like a vol-au-vent?

I gave plenty of reassurance to the British public and industry. I seem to remember saying ad museum, ‘I am getting a ‘good deal’ for Britain.’

Bit of a slip of the tongue that…

I’ll have a salmon one thanks. What slip of the tongue?

Well didn’t you mean the United Kingdom?

Pedantry will do no favours in your journalistic career young lady. I have the DUCK party, or whatever they are called, on my side. With them I have a complete majority.

(faces camera) Well, talking of sides, I guess we are all here today to admire the work you have done on your shared rainwater downpipe.

Yes, I have painted it pink.

Yes, but only one half.

…because pink is an optimistic colour and symbolises a rosy future for Britain and her allies in this war.

War?

Sorry, wrong auto-cue. I mean just Britain…that is…the United Kingdom of Britain and Northern Ireland. Is that right?

So from your point of view standing here in your front garden, you can see just a pink downpipe?

Correct. Have you finished your questions now, because I prefer talking with someone who doesn’t ask questions?

I was going to ask Prime Minister, why you didn’t also paint the other half of the downpipe. It’s a kind of…grey.

I can’t see that. I honestly only want to get the best downpipe and that is what I sincerely believe I have achieved. I can’t understand why anyone should think differently.

Well I have spoke with Mr Singh, your neighbour, and he tells me he doesn’t like your pink colour and he wishes you had never decided to paint it.

Mr Singh? So that’s his name. I always wondered. No, in answer to his views, I don’t think he is in a position to say what I should and shouldn’t do with my half of the drainpipe. He can’t see from his front garden what I can see from my front garden.

Did you try to negotiate?

I offered to paint it all pink but he refused.

Did you offer to do nothing?

I asked all the May family about this and they voted to paint the blessed thing. I voted not to paint it but I have to go with the majority.

Even though you gave the cat the casting vote?

Animals have feelings…

So on a whim you have chosen to change a situation that was working perfectly into one where there is division and uncertainty.

Yes, because the alternative is unthinkable?

The alternative of doing nothing and keeping it as it was?

No, no…that is far too risky. I mean the alternative is to remove the downpipe and allow all kind of damage to not only my house, but this Mr. Singh’s house. I think that is a bad outcome for both houses.

Could you not have just left it alone?

I have ruled out asking the family again. I have ruled out a lot of things. This is what the cat voted for and in a democracy, ‘ the winner takes it all’. Ooh! I feel like dancing all of a sudden?

Do you think you have much longer as prime minister?

Of course I do. Who else is going to run my house? I like to form an idea and carry it through to the end. Whether it works or not I should get a Peerage for being strong. That is why I shall continue to say I like my pink half of the drain pipe. Pink is not only a good happy colour but it’s a nice colour and I am going to keep it, whatever other people say.

And if one takes a few paces this way….to the boundary between the two houses, you can see that it really does look quite ridiculous from here. Can you see there is another view point…?

Yes, I wonder?

So can see the problem how other’s see it?

No, no, young lady, I wonder if I chose the right shade of pink? In this light it looks a bit, Salmon.