At a critical time in UK politics, Teresa May is enjoying the sunshine in Sharm El Sheikh at the tax payer’s expense. There is an EU summit, but Brexit is not on the agenda. Brexit is due to happen in five weeks on the 29th March 2019. The scene is my house.
I put my steaming Irish Stew on the table just as the phone rang.
‘Yup’
‘Hello – the Right Honourable Teresa May here…’
‘Look, I’ve just put my dinner on the table, can I ring you back?’
‘Oh, yes – scratch my back a little higher darling…’
‘What did you say your name was?’
‘TM – the PM – ooh, lovely’
I suspected it was some sort of prank call.
When I had scooped up the last of my Danone Bifidus I eyed my phone, picked it up and speed dialled.
‘Bob! Thank you so much for ringing back.’
It wasn’t my name but I let it pass.
‘I’ve been told by Dave to call you when I get stuck up a gum tree.’
‘Do you mean Dave – captain-of-the-ship-talking-to-you-from-the-lifeboat-off-the-port-stern – Cameron?’
‘Yes, yes, him. Well he told me you were a bit of a clever Dick -a problem solver.’
She had my name wrong again. ‘Yes’
‘Well, I have a problem. It’s this Brexit thing. I keep trying but I can’t delay it any longer and I soooo want a hard Brexit. I’ve tried to string everyone along but I have run out of irrational reasons. You must have been following it, surely?’
Why was she calling me Shirley?
‘Go on Mrs. T.’
‘Well, it’s all over this Irish border back stop thing; between the North and South of the Ireland of Island.’
‘Island…it’s an island called Ireland.’
‘Yes, so, tell me what I should do? I mean, Dave knew about the Good Friday Agreement banning a hard border and yet like the silly ass he is, he still went ahead with the referendum. I mean – just because it was in the Tory party manifesto…which has never been a reason to carry out policy before. I mean, how stupid was that?’
‘On a scale of ten?’
‘Yes’
‘Ten.’
There was a long pause as if I was expected to produce a solution straight away. ‘So listen – was it Mother Teresa?’
‘No, the Right Honourable’
‘Okay Ron, here is what you do. First, that border with the farmers on their Massey Fergusons and lost tourists and local folks crossing all day and night.’
‘Yes’
‘Don’t move it. Don’t touch it. No barriers, no towers, no machine gun posts.’
‘Oh, thank you. Thank you!’
‘The border is totally fixed and that problem, is your solution. It’s a red line on the map and politically. So introduce all of your Trade and Customs checks away from the border.’
‘We thought of putting it in the Irish Sea but it was too wet.’
‘No, listen, you just move all your ‘border controls’ a few miles inland so that they are no longer literally, border controls. That leaves the real border frictionless and in full accordance with the Good Friday Agreement.’
‘Can I say robust?’
‘Sure.’
‘Robust.’
‘Even with two hundred or so border crossing points you can put in controls at suitable geographic locations.’
‘What locations?’
‘Well I thought loads of Payage’s. You know, Toll Booths, hundreds of them up and down, near to the border.’
‘Toll Booths?’
‘Yes, you see, all the traffic from Eire is not contributing it’s fair share to road tax in the UK. They are merrily wearing out UK roads and infrastructure without a care, so we stop them, and make them pay.’
‘Brilliant! Go on.’
‘…and they will need private health insurance, travel insurance, pet insurance and comprehensive vehicle insurance – which they can purchase by the day from the UK government.’
‘You mean we sting them for tax and insurance? I love it!’
‘Whilst this is going on, border control officers are doing their checks on vehicles. Number plate recognition cameras are hidden in the ‘Beware of High Tarrifs and Taxes – You Are Now Entering the United Kingdom’ warning road signs. They are alerted to any vehicles that they should be interested in. You know loaded with Somali terrorists and drug cartel bosses.
‘I love it! I’m so glad you called Alec. Dave was right. You are smart. But, I can see one other problem. What about the other side? The EU insists on a hard border since it’s the edge of Europe. I can see they are going to make it look like North Korea, however clever we are on our side.’
‘I know’
‘So’
‘When the wall goes up and the hostile vehicle mitigation barriers, anti-tank gun emplacements, mine fields…’
‘Oh no! Oh no!’
‘Don’t worry. That’s in my plan. When all that happens despite your robust objections as it being contravening the Good Friday Agreement and no one is listening to you…that is when you insist on a ‘border poll’…both north and south.
‘What pole? A north pole and a south pole? They are a long way away?’
‘No, a poll, you know, referendum? Both ends of the country vote on whether to unify the island of Ireland.’
‘I can’t see the IRA liking that’
‘It’s what they have been fighting for this last century’
‘Oh, yes, of course…1914…is that what it was about?’
‘…just make sure the referendum needs a majority that is as slim as possible. Do not require a super-majority of say 66% otherwise you won’t get the result you want. You know…just as in the Brexit referendum. Even a majority of one farmer who entered the polling booth by mistake looking for a lost lamb, just one casting vote will become the ‘will of the Irish people’. Your defence becomes a defence of democracy. Moral high ground and all that…’
‘I’m writing this down Dave…l a m b.’
‘Then Ireland is united, the Treasury are delighted with extra taxes for a while, and most importantly, Brexit can happen smoothly. You become Dame Margaret Teresa of Mumbai in the new year and everyone is happy!’
‘Oh Winston! You are so clever. Thank you. I hate strategy and you have really set the ship on a navigable course. So much smarter than Dave.’
‘Don’t mention it. We Irish Republican’s are always happy to work with the United Kingdom.’
