‘Today is the day we hold an historic meaningless vote. Two years ago I went over to the continent and told them what the terms of Brexit would be. At first the EU didn’t like my ‘red line’ attitude but after constant repetition they finally agreed; if only to shut me up (laughs self consciously).

Because no one knew what they had voted for when they voted to leave the EU, I have had to make up the terms of my meaningless Withdrawal Agreement. It’s so fraught with problems that I have had to paint parliament into a corner to get them to vote for it. This hasn’t worked so far but by constantly delaying parliamentary procedure, we are now where I want us to be – at the edge of the abyss.

So today you will all be voting for my deal…as they say on that interesting show Meaningless on tea time telly, ‘a very very good deal indeed‘. You all know the terms by now, as you have voted against them enough times. But as the alternative is falling off the cliff edge, I expect more of you will see that my Brexit is the only way forward.

‘What about a people’s vote?!’

‘I don’t know why I have to explain again but we have had the referendum ages ago. The people voted to leave. It is my mission to give the people what they want, even if the terms and conditions were not considered and  differ enormously from what people expected. But remember, we can’t just keep going back to the people asking the same question until we get the answer we want.’

‘That’s exactly what you are doing with your meaningless vote!’

‘Yes, but I am Prime Minister and I can do whatever I want. And I have told, I mean, agreed with the EU negotiators that every member of this house will strip naked, paint ourselves blue and dance around Parliament Square singing Britain Waves the Rules! That is a much better deal than staying the EU.’

‘No it’s not!’

‘Who said that?’

‘I did.’

‘See me afterwards.’

‘What about all the people who didn’t vote in the first referendum, who want to be heard now?’

‘If you mean women in refugee camps; – we have stripped her of her citizenship, so no longer a problem.’

‘No, I mean the two million sixteen year olds in 2016, who are now eighteen. It’s their future and they have a right to be heard. And then there are the UK citizens who live in Europe and were not allowed to vote on the grounds that this doesn’t concern them because they have lived out the UK for 15 years. Of course it concerns them…them more than anyone else!’

‘A second referendum will bring indecision and divisiveness.’

‘We have indecision and divisiveness now! Surely a second vote will either stop Brexit or give it more impetus and quieten dissenters.’

‘My deal is a very good deal and if you don’t agree to it then you are not being democratic and defending the rule of law and parliament…’

‘Why?’

‘Because I say so, because I am Prime Minister. So are we going to have this meaningless vote or not? Let’s get it over and this time, remember, if you don’t vote for my meaningless deal then you will have to keep voting until you vote in it’s favour.

If you vote for the good of the country instead of my meaningless deal, the repercussions will not be my fault but yours for being very naughty MP’s.

No indecision. Commit yourselves to be stupid and support the most uninformed plan anyone has ever concocted. You must vote and you must vote decisively, May. You may not vote ‘may not’ or wait until May.

Let’s be certain about one thing. I used to tell my teachers at school uncertainty, is not my middle name, it’s my last name.