What is it with Hotels? I have to admit to having a problem with them.

The clue is in each hotel room. Central to the arrangement of most hotel rooms is a bed and a bed is generally, for sleeping in. And there we have the crux of where I find most hotels get it wrong. The whole notion that their guests basically just want to comatose, appears to be foreign to them. Because of this fundamental misunderstanding, much of what hotels provide becomes a waste of effort and money for all parties. People who want to sleep and or are asleep, do not require a conference suite, a swimming pool, a spa, a restaurant, a dining room, a library, a grand view of the city, an entertainment programme, a stage, a discotheque, wide screen television for sports coverage etc. etc.

We just want a bit of peace, and a toothbrush.

Instead, you get aggravation and cheap shampoo.

The problem with so called ‘facilities’ is generated in part by the hotel star system, which awards stars not on the quietness of the hotel and politeness of its staff, but on the breadth of it’s facilities.

I can accept there may be families and business travellers who intend to spend days and weeks in the hotel and need these things. In this case these quests should be directed to hotels which do not provide an environment for guests to sleep.

If I were head of the United Nations Peace on Earth Commission (if they don’t have one, they should), I would categorise hotels between places of rest and the rest. I would award ‘bed’ symbols for quietness rather than ‘stars’ for what are sources of sleep deprivation.

Perhaps it is time to give some examples of what I mean. I look back to earlier last year when I went with friends to a charming town in the Alpujarras in Southern Spain. The hotel where we stayed the night had a central courtyard around which corridors accessed private rooms. The floors and walls were compleltely tiled. This meant that every footstep was amplified depending on the size of guests steel toe caps. Every cough, conversation and slamming door, was heard by everyone. My friends in the morning, complained that they had to endure a woman talking for two hours on her mobile phone in the corridor, before they could get to sleep.

Last month, I booked a hotel on-line, seeking quietness above all other blessings. After an extensive a search in a town full of hotels of all descriptions, I chose one. When I arrived I discovered it faced a busy main road, a feature not included in the photographs or descriptions. Worse than that, there were only five rooms and these were directly above a restaurant and bar.

When I asked the owner for a quiet room I was told that they were all quiet and if I didn’t want to listen to the traffic I only have to close all the windows. I said I liked fresh air, which clearly put myself in the minority of guests. She informed me that no noise would come from the bar – except that tonight there was a Liverpool football game on and it might get noisy. Later that evening as the game started, I wandered down to look for the source of the excitement. The door between the boisterous football fans and the corridor to the sleeping guests had been propped open! I had to beg the owner to close the door ( which I suspected should be closed under fire regulations in any case). The owner was obliging but I had to wonder why it was necessary for me to ask. What is going on in the heads of people who rent out rooms for people to sleep in? I don’t know or care who won the football.

I abandoned this hotel as quickly as I could and escaped to another in the same town. It was the right time and day but the hotel stood adamantly closed.

I telephoned and knocked repeatedly but nothing stirred. So, dragging my suitcase along the paving slabs I set off to find another. I was fortunate to find one open and rang the reception bell. I explained that I was tired and just wanted a quiet room at the back of the hotel.

The male receptionist said this was no problem and lead me key in hand, to a room at the front of the hotel overlooking the road. I was too tired to argue and eager to get an early night under the thick duvet and crisp white sheets.

Then the noise began. Somebody was practising their piano in my room. Well, it was so loud it sounded as though they were in my room! I peeked into the corridor expecting to see a smiling buffoon at a piano whom I had not noticed earlier. Nothing. So I had to dress and bang the reception bell once more. I explained my problem of not being able to sleep. The receptionist said that it was not late in his view and that there was an apartment in the hotel from which the noise came. I reminded him that I had asked for a quiet room and suggested he give me another one. He quickly retorted that the hotel ( which appeared empty of guests ) was full and there was no question of having another room. He tried to compromise by promising that the ‘piano practice’ would end in half an hour. Here he was giving me a clue that he knew more about the mysterious piano than he was letting on. I suspected the apartment was occupied by his family, one of whom was learning to play the piano as loudy as possible. I reluctantly agreed to listen to the piano for one half of an hour and returned to my room.

Within a few minutes there was a knock on the door. I opened it and there was the same receptionist who said that the piano would now stop in a few minutes. He had arranged this reluctantly though for he reminded me that, ‘this is Spain’, meaning that noise of all kinds is acceptable, especially in hotels. I said that I knew it was Spain but that this was also a hotel where people were invited to sleep and I had never been in a hotel before where there were apartments with live music.

Sure enough, the piano quickly stopped and I was able to finally, sleep.

I have to wonder whether I am being unreasonable and have an unfair expectation of hotels? Am I in a minority of guests whose main priority is not to be woken to the refuse lorry at two in the morning and the recycling lorry collecting at five?

If I am then I am willing to pay for the privilege of uninterrupted sleep at specialist ‘sleep hotel’. Let the party goers and sports event fans, boogey on somewhere else, if for them a hotel is Las Vegas.

I can see what is going on here. Hotels don’t make money from sleeping guests. It is in their interests to keep them sound awake. Why sleep when there is dinner and breakfast, drinks cabinets and TV’s, spas, treatments and every other kind of human indulgence?

It’s like the budget airlines that sell you a cheap ticket knowing they will get your money some other way. Perhaps there is a business case for hotels that offer nothing, other than a bed and cheap shampoo.