There is something very strange about cats. Now don’t get me wrong, I am one of the half of the population who adores furry felines – the other half giving allegiance to cuddly canines. Like Brexit, this is disunity within the United Kingdom, is unlikely to ever go away.

However, let me explore the enigma of cats. I am going to express an opinion that some may find absurd, but I crave their indulgence as I describe the facts as I choose them to be.

Firstly, isn’t it odd that cats turn up in large numbers in Ancient Egypt – getting on for 5000 years ago?

‘Get in you basket – Bastet’

So many were mummified, that their swathed remains were once used as a form of domestic heating. There was even a minor god who was a cat – see above. Being a cat in Egypt in those days was probably a pleasant incarnation – provided you kept away from the embalming and mummification factory.

But it is odd that prior to the rule of the pharaohs, domestic cats even existed. Some how the ‘big cats’ of Africa, had been genetically engineered to become ‘small cats’ or ‘pussy cats’. Were lions somehow persuaded to model for the famous Sphinx ( a lion before it was repurposed as a blokes head ) ?

Did big lions take up sitting around the camp fire at night with the nomadic tribes? Were these lions engineered through unnatural selection to become – small, domesticated lions?

What is also interesting is how small they did not become. There are no mouse size cats. Such a creature would have to put up with a fair fight with the mice – rather than the easy kills the cats enjoy today. Yes, cats were decided to be the size of a human baby – almost exactly – a small mature cat weighing in at around eleven pounds. Picking up a cat and supporting the hind legs by cradling the arms, is exactly how human babies are carried. Cats and babies look up at you and then around the room from a this new view, in exactly the same way.

Warning to cat owners how cats explode if on the wrong diet

It gets more odd. Cats and human babies make the same high pitched screaming sound when requiring attention. Any one who has been accompanied by a cat in a car, on the way to the vets or next ‘forever home’, will know how deeply unsettling the cat will make the car occupants. The whining will be near enough constant and totally disproportionate to the level of comfort the cat is being afforded by the air conditioned, smooth, silent ride. ‘What is your problem!’ you will hear people say both to their babies and their cats. Ultimately, both species get their way, whatever the time of day or night.

Then I realised what was going on with cats. All of this ‘babyishness’ is a deliberate ploy to make humans think, unconsciously, that they are not cats, but babies. It’s a brilliant stroke of unnatural selection, to force humans to ‘take in’ cats – whether welcome or not.

My own experience of cats is that there is no system of choice or purchase when becoming a cat owner. A cat, somehow – from somewhere – turns up and demands entry into your home. Very soon the game starts where it explains to the besotted human that the price of stroking it’s fur is food – regularly and plenty of it.

And in this way, I extend the parallel between cats and babies (who also want food regularly and in vast quantities) to birds. Not just all avians but one species in particular. Can you guess?

‘Doesn’t he look just like his Mum?’

Yes, it’s the cuckoo. Well the clue was in the title I know but you might have forgotten it by now. Yes, cats operate in the same way as cuckoos. The name for this technique of seeking foster parents for spare eggs is an ‘obligate brood parasite’. And the cuculos canorus is not the only one playing this game-for-the-innately lazy.

Mother cats push their brood out at some point; into the big wide world. Kittens on Facebook have unaturaly selected to look both frail and fanciable – a kind of Marilyn Monroe come hither look. ‘You want to prrrrrrrrotect me – Mr. Prrrrrrrrrresident’ delivered in husky tones before the high screaming begins in the kitchen post coitus.

No, I am not saying MM was a cat – although ‘pussy cat’ might be the right badge of honour – no, I am saying the kittens / ergo cats, are full on con-merchants, checking out every nook and cranny before calmly adopting a pre-dinner sleeping position in what was once, your private home.

I have four cats whom I adore, and every one of them – I now realise – has obligated itself into my home with the natural charm of a film star come used car salesperson. Thanks to the Ancient Egyptians or whoever first thought up ‘baby sized lions’ – half of the human race has become cat crazed.

The other half of humans? Well they have to own up to the fact that they have adopted a baby sized wolf-monster, that uses every trick in the book -like ‘undying loyalty’ to get the human to obligate as well.

Woof! woof!