The following events are entirely fictional and set in modern Palestine where an enlightned Spanish chap called Jesus, is giving a group of his friends and followers a piece of his wisdom.

An early computer

And it came to pass that some of the disciples were mystified by the whole thing around ‘computers’, for much of Palestine was then buzzing about them and their unique qualities.

So they said unto Jesus, one Sunday afternoon when it had begun to rain and all around had gathered together in someone’s house,

‘What about computers?’

And Jesus replied, ‘Oh, ye of little understanding. Don’t you know nothing?’

And those who heard this looked at each other in a quizzical fashion and were confused by the double negative in the question which believe me makes no sense in Spanish any more than in English.

John, who considered himself a bit of a computer expert, stood up amongst them and cried, ‘please tell these ignoramuses Lord, so that I no longer have to ‘fix things up’ for them for I am weary of their attention seeking and quizzing.

And Jesus was compassionate towards John for he was also ‘up to here’ with quizzingness but knew it was just his Father having a bit of a joke so he asked those who were then gathered together and enjoying a round of hot drinks,

‘What is it you want to know?’

And one man who was a shepherd from the hills all his life asked, ‘tell us how a computer has a RAM, for I have a Ram and am confused.’

Jesus thought for a minute or so, making a pattern of little dots in the sand with his finger and then looked up. ‘The RAM is like unto a Juggler who stands in the market place. He has in his pockets sixteen sponge balls whose colour is red.’

Jesus eyed his audience and saw that so far they understood.

‘And he starteth juggling with three balls and the crowd is amazed that he can keep them all in the air at once, until he picketh another from his pocket and continues with four balls.’

‘And so the juggler keeps his concentration sufficient that soon he has extracted all sixteen balls from his pocket and is keeping them in the air by throwing them higher and moving as fast as he possibly can.’

The disciples and a few other goat herders who had heard about the hot drinks and had slipped in to get dry and warmed up, looked at each other and saw that no one knew what Jesus was on about. So one of them stood up and said,

‘Eh?’

Then John, seeing the vexation on the face of his Lord, and the gnashing of his teeth and clenched fists and all the signs of high blood pressure, did turn to this ignoramus and said, ‘Look, it’s simple, the computer has to make many tasks work at the same time and that is the Random Access Memory which is limited but can be expanded simply with a larger RAM card in the  RAM card slot or an additional card if there is space, making the users computing experience faster and smoother.’

Looking into the heart of a computer does not need to be confusing;

Jesus looked around at the glazed-over eyes in the room and implored John to not confuse the situation further, and John sat down mumbling to himself and grabbing his hot chocolate that someone else had been holding for him.

The Lord continued, ‘And if you are in pain to understand about other parts of a computer fear not, for all shall be explained unto you.’

‘What about CPU’s then?’ came a voice from the back of the room and prompting a sustained mumbling of approval at the question and some nodding of heads.

‘Mine’s 1.6 Ghz dual core. What does that mean?’

Jesus looked like he knew the answer to this question and rubbed his hands together.

‘The CPU is like unto the heart and lungs of a camel.’

‘Mine isn’t!’ came a shout of surprise from amongst them. ‘A camel? Bloody ridiculous. Why’s he on about juggling and cam…’

‘Look, it’s a parable you numbskull. Jesus is explaining using an extended metaphor to help dispel the mystery of something which defies understanding in ordinary language.’ John was always quick to defend Jesus’s teaching technique.

‘Creep!’ came a muffled response but it was not heard by all, for they were anxious to learn more. Jesus continued, ‘And if a camel has a small heart and lungs, when it is asked to carry a heavy load at a high speed, it creates much heat. This heat might be dispelled by a camel rider holding a large palm leaf acting as a fan or perhaps throwing a bucket of water over the camel…’

‘Where do you get a bucket of water in a desert!’ heckled a disbeliever.

Quoth John instantly ‘It’s a parable donkey brain!’

Jesus lifted his arms up and continued, ‘and if that camel had a larger heart and lungs, like if it had a better central processing unit, it would be able to run up sand dunes at great speed with heavy loads and be only slightly overheated and out of breath at the top of the dune.’

The next course of sweet things made of pastries and dates was passed around and Jesus sat down for a while, for he was in need of a sugar boost.

At length, when the final course of wine and cheese had been enjoyed and all assembled were nicely relaxed and leaning against, on, or in improvised pieces of furniture and things scattered in the room like storage urns and camel saddles…someone asked, ‘What about Operating Systems?’

Jesus stood up and looked down amongst them as if the room was circling around his head, although it was not.

‘I’ll tell you about Operating Systems, for they are like unto a system of rules and beliefs that form a religion. These rules are given by Divine command, from someone like William Pearly Gates who started in a mates garage and now owns most of Palestine. He looked out of the window and saw a Window and called his inspiration, Windows 4AD. And he formed a series of commands and programmes that were readily understood by the computer and made an interface between the Father, William and ordinary people like yourselves gathered in this room.’

‘What, all of us?’ came a gasp.

‘Yes, even the most humble amongst you, who has had little education past nursery level, and perhaps is unable to even read or write due to some incurable incapacity like dyslexia or ADHD leading to anxiety and behavioural problems…Ye are those who will be first to understand exactly how to open documents and save them properly.’

And all in the room were moved because they thought computing was for the educated and rich who sat around in Palaces and hobnobbed with the senior military ranks in their secluded villas with pools and fine Sea of Galilee views that turned out to be rather too distant to truly impressed but looked good in the sales literature and sold houses quickly…they realised that such people would be the last to understand how to use computers because their heads were all in a muddle…whereas, the most stupid members of society like themselves were in line to be first to enter the Pearly Bill Gates because of their humility and frankly, lack of fear, and understanding of how computers could change their lives from simple peasants to men and women of wisdom and high ethical standing.

And the angels stood around in the room and applauded those now gathered there asleep, for their fear and anxieties about computers had been destroyed once and for all eternity.